Lately, I’ve been bottling up my emotions and today I couldn’t keep them from spilling out, so I sat down and wrote a list of what I would want in a relationship. Here goes…
What I want in a relationship
- Someone to hold my hand
- To encourage me in a loving way
- Be loving towards me even when I’m miserable
- Give me loving affirmations
- Adore me
- Let me be free to be myself
- Push me in the direction that’s best for me
- Support me in all that I do
Now, while I was reading this list I started to think of that saying, “be the change in the world that you want to see.”
Sometimes I think to myself, “why is my life the way it is?” I know it’s because I choose for it to be. Everyone goes through seasons and I have a hard time letting things run their course. I want instant gratification and I know I won’t get it. Good things come with time and acceptance of yourself and your journey.
I am currently in a mode where I have a hard time expressing myself and all I want to do is release these feelings. I keep looking at my outside stresses and blaming them, but I know better. I know that I am in charge of the energy that flows in and out of my life, but I believe that I don’t know how to change it.
My energy feels like it is all over the place and it’s pulling me in two different directions. I feel confused like I don’t know which way to go. I still haven’t found my voice. I hear everyone else’s voice except mine.
Funny story: I asked my ten-year-old son if he hears more than one voice in his head and he told me yes. He says he hears my voice and his own voice battling one another. It freaked me out because I don’t want to be a loud voice battling him in his head. I want his voice to be the loudest. I want him to be himself, not what I tell him to be. Of course, he needs guidance and redirection, but I don’t want him to feel controlled and I don’t want to control him.
After I had that discussion with him I started to wonder when I started to hear someone else’s voice and when did what they say and felt trump what I wanted and who I wanted to become? When did these voices get here and more importantly how do I get rid of them?
I’m not going to pretend like I know what I’m doing and what it is I want, but I have to start somewhere. I have to get rid of everyone else’s opinion of who they think I should be. I’m cheating myself and the world of who I really am, the authentic me. I know that I do not want to be controlled anymore, I know that I’m done feeling empty and allowing myself to be defined by titles that don’t describe who I really am.
Going back to the beginning of this post, those things I wrote about what I want someone to be for me, I’ve realized that I am the one who will provide that to myself. Granted I can’t hold my own hand, but I most certainly can love myself entirely. I have started to put into action the love that I know I deserve and as I continue to do that, others will follow suit.
It was hard writing this, I cried the whole way through. This post is the first post I’ve written in a while that was purely emotional. That’s how I am choosing to write from now on. This felt so good, getting it out, maybe I can help someone that’s also in this position to see that they aren’t alone.
Thank you for reading and stopping by. Comment if you’d like, I am open to discussions on self-healing 😊