I used to be super close with my sisters. We were close in a healthy and unhealthy way. The healthy way, we loved each other and were pretty much talking all the time. We had a group chat where we’d text one another all day, (of course we got busy but it didn’t stop us) we would share hilarious memes and stories and check up on one another to see how our days were going. Anytime one of us had a bad day, we would either three-way call or text in the group chat about who/what pissed us off. The unhealthy way was the lack of honest communication with each other. I believe because we each struggled with self-reflection at the time, we didn’t consider accepting each other for who we are and not judge. Yet we ended up doing that and talking about one another behind the others back. It was toxic, but we were just used to it. We didn’t know how to cultivate good qualities in our relationship because we were never taught or saw how a healthy sister ship should operate. So imagine, if we were like that to one another how we were with others.
Pic of me and my sister down below. Left to Right, Kassie (youngest), Keyonia (oldest), Me (middle sister)
Fast forward to today, I only communicate with my older sister. I have allowed years of mess and toxicity to destroy a relationship with the youngest one. I accept full responsibility for the contribution to what the situation is today. All I can do is move forward in my growth and wish her the best in life. Hopefully, we can come back together, but if we don’t I’ll just have to live with that and it’ll be what it is.
I do, however, miss the back and forth hilarity’s we shared with one another and since I’m back to square one with one of them it sometimes doesn’t seem like our relationship is authentic. I can attribute that to us operating differently in a more open and healthier way. Setting boundaries and doing our best to stay within them. It’s so weird because I honestly do not feel any negative pressure from this relationship anymore. I mean she’s my big sister and I’ll always want to impress her, but it’s to a different degree now. I am not looking for her acceptance in my life or what I am doing. I am sharing with her who I am and want to be. And don’t get me wrong I am not saying it isn’t authentic, I’m just saying it’s awkward trying to manuver through a different way of communicating and setting boundaries.
I guess I never understood nor cared to form a true and lasting relationship with women in general. I don’t like confrontation and I feel that with women there’s going to be bumping of heads. I have always dismissed having friends because I assumed friends were disposable, I am learning otherwise now. I constantly crave for a sisterhood with women of like mind and journey, but it has been proven difficult to find one.
I believe the reason why it has become difficult for me is that I lack the understanding and tolerance of others. All the friends I have had, I have lashed out at. With my siblings, we knew family was family so if we’d stop talking to one another for a brief period and then come back as nothing happened. I know I cannot operate like that anymore because of my desire to really build long-lasting friendships. I know to be successful in that I must be whatever it is I wish to see in others to myself and people before I can expect that from others.
So, I’m constantly working on accepting myself for who I am and not wanting people around just, so I won’t be alone with my thoughts. Also, not to have just ANYONE around, but choose my friends wisely this time. Before I can form a true and lasting friendship with anyone else I must be willing to put the time in for myself. I must show up for Kylia. Life is such a long and lonely journey and I want to get to the point where I can be on a journey with my sisters, whoever that might be whether its blood or not, I know my clan is out there and I’m just not ready to join them yet. But once I get there I’m stuck with them and they with me forever! Who said you can’t make new friends in your 30’s?! Be patient!